Diagnosis: Rainbow-itis

Apparently some doctors are content taking a step backwards when it comes to medical diagnosis. According to several different sources, a Southern California doctor diagnosed a man as having chronic homosexual behavior, and even went so far as to use code 302.0.

These codes are used as diagnostic codes not only for billing purposes, but also to help other physicians quickly identify a patient’s medical diagnosis. The set of codes using 302 all pertain to varying acts of sexual deviancy, including pedophilia and necrophilia. It should also be noted that when homosexuality was declassified by the APA (American Psychological Association) in the 1970’s, it was highly recommended that homosexuality no longer be classified as a disease either.

What’s disturbing is not only is it still considered a treatable disease, but it’s still technically a valid code. You can read the story here.

So apparently it’s not out of the realm of possibility that one might ‘catch the gay’. And that got me to thinking. What are all the possible ways a heterosexual could catch the gay. I came up with my top ten list.

170px-Toilet_seat_600x98010. Toilet seats – Look at all the different things we could catch from toilet seats – AIDS, cancer, pregnancy. It’s only logical that one could catch the gay from a toilet seat. Especially when you factor in the number of times we see a news story about some prominent person soliciting gay sex in a bathroom.

9. Airborne pathogens – Try as we may, it’s often extremely difficult to contain this much fabulousness in a small radius. Sometimes, our glitter gets caught up in the air ducts or blown by the breeze. You take a breath, and BOOM! If you’re a woman, you’re suddenly craving plaid shorts and microbrews, and if you’re a man, you find yourself with this unexplained need to trim your eyebrows and get a manicure.

8. Money – They say 90% of all US money, especially dollar bills, contains some trace of cocaine. And I definitely can see where some of that money may also contain gay. Because if you look close enough, you can find the letters to spell out ‘rainbow’ and ‘gay’. So to all the straight people out there – the next time you think about snorting a line, consider this: you are really snorting a line of rainbow covered evil.images (15)

7. Water – This one is given. We homosexuals generally take good care of ourselves, which includes personal hygiene. We shower, some of the gay falls off in our skin cells and hair follicles, and then gets washed down the drain, into the water. Even if that water goes through a filtering system, the gay is very robust and has a tendency to survive multiple filters, only to find its way to your glass of water. Why do you think the water you use on your plants makes them grow so well? It’s not because of the Miracle Gro. Oh no, it’s because of the ingrained lesbian trait of yard work and landscaping. We’re natural at it, it’s in our genes.

6. Contact – Don’t touch a gay. They teach that in preschool. No, wait, that’s don’t touch a hot stove. Well, this one is important too. Gay can completely rub off on you, so if you see a gay coming towards you, you either need to cross the street to avoid potential contact, or lay down and play dead. The CDC says that touching a gay increases your risk of contracting the gay by 93.452%. And that’s an exact figure.

5. Being in the same room – Again, with all of the different ways one could catch the gay, the most obvious one is this. So it’s best to avoid being the the same room as a homosexual. It just makes things easier. And if you’re forced to, say share an elevator with one, don’t make eye contact. The first thing you should do is listen to the muzak. If it’s Madonna, Cher, or Brittany Spears, you should be okay. They’ll be distracted by the music and probably won’t even notice your presence. However, if it’s anything else, you may have to make small talk. Just mention things like Ellen DeGeneres, marriage equality, or Pride, and you’ll be safe. You don’t have to know anything about these topics, just mentioning them will most likely get the homosexual to go off onto a tangent, and before you know it, you’ll be to your destination and you won’t have caught the gay.

4 through 2 all involve really in depth medical terminology, so I’ll save you the trouble and just tell you that cars, computers, libraries, grocery stores (especially organic or vegan) are all completely unsafe because of the nature of the gay. Basically, stay home, close all your windows and vents, and order everything online.

And the number one way to catch the gay?

how-to-draw-a-mosquito-step-8_1_000000009376_5Mosquito bites. That’s right. The mosquito. Think about it. They bite the leg of a gay, suck a lot of fabulous blood, then fly around and land on you. They stick their little needle nose under your skin and Whammo – you’ve got the gay, by transference. It makes ultimate sense too. We homos, especially the lesbians, love bonfires. And bonfires are lit in the summer months, when the mosquito population is at their highest. So here we are, sitting around a bonfire in our plaid shorts, sipping our micro brewed beer, when OUCH! a mosquito bites us. Only we’re slightly intoxicated, which allows the mosquito to take more of our blood before we notice. Then it flies away and lands on some hapless heterosexual. And now they’re gay.

So in the end, suffice to say anyone who is afraid of catching the gay needs to enter their doomsday bunker now. Especially since it’s been coded as a diagnosis by some ridiculous doctor in California with her own agenda.

But, ultimately, it proves we’re here to stay, and under some circumstances, attempting to recruit at a biological level. Now go out there and get your respirator and biohazard suit.

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