Reasons Same-sex Marriage Should Never Be Legalized

I posted this on another blog, but in light of recent events in our nation, I feel it bears a reposting here.

So I’ve written about same-sex marriage before. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I may be having a change of heart. After listening to the other side talk, I’ve come to some conclusions:

1. The purpose of having a mate is being able to procreate. After all, if heterosexuals didn’t bump nasties, there wouldn’t be any homos. Therefore, we should not only not legalize same-sex marriage, but also immediately cease the following:

  • Sperm Banks – God never wanted this for us. If you take a hard look at the Bible, I’m sure there’s some kind of verse that says, “Thou shalt not jerk off in a sterilized container.” It’s glaringly obvious that this isn’t right. It’s just simply not natural. Besides, insemination doesn’t necessarily require one to knock boots with someone else, so it can’t be considered an acceptable form of procreation. And if you can’t have your own kids, well, you must have done something to piss off the Big Boss Man, so you don’t deserve one via artificial means.
  • Adoption – This one’s obvious. It goes against all religion. Shame on people for taking the easy way out and adopting. You don’t have to do the horizontal polka to adopt. You don’t have nine months of bloating, cravings, etc., to adopt. You don’t even have to add water! Seriously! Don’t be so lazy! If it’s all about procreation, how can someone possibly justify adoption? It’s like hiring a maid or landscaping service. Do it your damn self!
  • Daycare – I know, I know. How is daycare bad? Well, first of all it shows that the parents of the children aren’t really committed. “I totally porked my wife, and now we have this miniature person. He just gets in the way, and he’s not very smart. I know, let’s let someone else raise him!” See? No commitment whatsoever. Secondly, it allows a child to experience diversity. And bad things always happen when diversity occurs. You suddenly have to answer awkward questions like, “Why does that kid look different than me?” or “Where’s Sally’s pee-pee?” And you shouldn’t have to put yourself through that.
  • Single parents – How is this even possible? Everyone knows that kids grow up better when they have a mom and a dad, regardless of how well mom and dad get along.  So it’s obvious that this has to stop. Single mothers should be forced to marry single fathers, thus eliminating this issue.

2. Gay never really meant ‘happy’, but in actuality has always been a code word for ‘sin’.

  • Think about it… “Don we now our gay apparel.” What does that mean? I’m sure it’s not that we should put on our happy clothes, or wrap ourselves in rainbow flags. I think it’s more referring to putting on the skimpy red negligee with the white fur trim. “Don we now our sin apparel.” That sounds better. After all, why else would the sex stores have clothing designed specifically for the Christmas Holiday?

3. If we legalized gay marriage, we’d have to legalize gay divorce, gay custody, gay alimony, and a bunch of other really gay stuff.

  • Homosexuals should be thankful to those that vote against same-sex marriage. I bet most of them vote that way not because of a religious belief, but because they don’t want homos to have to go through all that paperwork. It’s not oppression or discrimination, but considerate forethought.

4. The Bible says it’s wrong. And since the Bible was written by man, it must be true. ‘Nuf said.

5. We shouldn’t give homos special rights.

  • It’s only fair. Why should homos have all the same privileges as heteros? What have they done to earn what heteros have? They haven’t been fighting nearly long enough or hard enough to earn these ‘special rights’ they’re seeking. How dare they think that they deserve equality.  How dare they ask for special rights! Equality in the workplace? They got a job, didn’t they? Protection against discrimination? Suck it up! Life’s a bitch! And why should we give them special rights? Because if we do, we’ll have to recognize polygamy and other unsavory ideas. This brings me to my next point

6. Bestiality. Because of course, that’s the next logical step. First, it’s same-sex. Then, it’s man on horse and pig-spanking and all kinds of crazy stuff. And sexual deviancy is bad.

So, it’s now obvious to me that same-sex marriage is not only wrong, it should never be legalized. I wonder why it was never this clear to me before.

 

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2 thoughts on “Reasons Same-sex Marriage Should Never Be Legalized

  1. Clare Flourish July 25, 2013 / 1:26 am

    You put the case so eloquently: you might convince someone! I have read “Defence of Marriage” arguments less persuasive than this!

    Like

  2. Creative Metaphor July 27, 2013 / 7:00 pm

    You forgot one: obviously they need to outlaw *straight* divorce as well, as this is the number one cause of failed straight marriages. If they outlawed divorce, then all that talk about “defense of marriage” might actually make sense!

    Like

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