It’s 2:00 am – Time for Crazy Commercials!

So I thought I’d do something a bit off the beaten path for me. I have a tendency to stay up late, and with that, comes late night television. And with late night television comes odd commercials – infomercials that don’t make sense, commercials with creepy actors, and commercials for odd and off the wall products.

And, without further ado, here are my top 12 weirdest commercials:

12. The Air Curler – The device reminds me of something the nurses used to measure my urine output when I was in the hospital. At 0:04, you find out how dangerous curling irons are for the uncoordinated. Basically, you have a product that creates a curled, albeit tangled mass, of hair.

Why is it as I watch this I keep waiting for the woman to get her hair sucked into the dryer? Kind of like Beyonce’s  mishap during her concert recently.

11.  The Hawaii Chair – The interviews at ‘work’ are fantastic. 27 seconds into the infomercial, we get to watch some poor woman nearly get thrown off her chair. Keep an eye on her leg placement while she talks. She’s literally holding on for dear life. At 50 seconds in, she makes a claim that is sure to make you laugh. Although I’m sure you’ll be laughing the entire way through the commercial. I kinda wonder how much they made on this, and why the hell it’s called the ‘Hawaii Chair’. They certainly don’t look like any Hula dancers I’ve ever seen.

10. The Snuggie – Because, you know, standard blankets are far to complicated for the average Jane. Everyone wants to keep warm, but a blanket just isn’t enough, despite the fact that for hundreds of years, potentially thousands, a blanket has worked just fine. I bet if the Romans had the Snuggie, they would have conquered the world.

I got a tan Snuggie once. I put it on, and I believe that the creators of the Snuggie are actually recruiting for a cult. You put that on, and you automatically look like a Druid.

9. Chillow – Seriously, if I had the same issue with sweat as the people in this commercial do, I would be making an appointment with my endocrinologist to see about a glandular problem. At 1:14 you get to see a man enjoy his Chillow a bit too much.

I guess we just don’t have the time to flip our pillows over anymore. I hope none of these people get Snuggies for Christmas. That would be a huge waste.

8. The Wunder Boner – I checked. This is for real. While the concept is actually pretty ingenious, the name was obviously not well thought out. Or was it? I wunder if the sales for this product were high? Or was releasing the product a boner move? (Ha ha! See what I did there?)

7.  Cougar Life Commercial – I’m not sure what’s most disturbing about this commercial – their theme song, the fact that all the women they’re showing in the commercial appear to be my age (I’m certainly not a Cougar), or the ‘growl’ at the end of it all.

I initially saw this commercial on Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. I thought it was a joke. Well, color me disgusted…

6.  Evian Roller Babies Commercial – Okay, so this isn’t as creepy as the others, but I find any commercials portraying babies doing things they normally wouldn’t, like a triple salchow, as particularly unsettling. That and the fact that you have to sit through the entire creepiness in order to figure out what the hell the product is.

5.  Canon “Little Big Shots” Commercial – Again, creepy babies. This one is higher up on the list, however, because as time goes on, technology improves, and we end up with creepy babies that move more like real adults.

Seriously, these babies look so creepy real that I want to punch them in the face.

4. The Shake Weight (Men’s ad) – I only posted the men’s ad of the Shake Weight, mostly because of the reactions like the ones at 11 seconds and 14 seconds. This one is self explanatory.

3. The Tiddy Bear – Any company that has to spell out their product name should probably rethink the name of said product. Oh wait…Oh I see what you did there – Tiddy Bear…and it sits on the woman’s bosom…Gee, that play on words totally went over my head.

I also find it incredibly amusing that no matter how often the product name is displayed on the screen, my ears automatically hear the obvious.

2. The Comfort Wipe – Yup. Toilet paper on a stick. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pooped on my finger because I had a clump of wadded up toilet paper in my hand. You know, sometimes the logistics of cleaning yourself after a giant crap is just too much to deal with.

I do like the fact that they make a point of telling us the wand is a whopping 18 inches long, just in case your ass happens to be dragging on the floor.

Man, I don’t know what they did back in the 1800’s without the Comfort Wipe…

1. The UroClub – This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. The number one craziest infomercial, the UroClub. I gotta say, this is the one reason I’ve never played golf. I’m terrified I’m going to have to pee on the course, so I’ve just stayed away.

I’d hate to mistake the UroClub for an actual driver while I’m on the course, especially if I’ve been consuming beer while golfing. You might end up with more than you bargained for when you tee off on the 9th hole.

17 seconds in, you get to see how truly ‘discreet’ this product is. Oh, and the voice over is pretty fantastic.

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Nazi Russia

I’m sure you’ve all seen the photos of the brutality against gay activists in Russia, including the four  Dutch tourists that were detained because they were supposedly promoting homosexuality to children.

Putin signed the ‘gay propaganda’ law in June, punishing people for providing information to minors “directed at forming nontraditional sexual setup” or may cause a “distorted understanding” that homosexual relations are “socially Russiaequivalent”. Anyone punished under these laws are subject to fines up to $5000 ($156) for citizens and $200,000 rubies ($6250 US dollars) for officials who spread this “propaganda” through the media or internet.

Foreigners are not only subject to fines, but face administrative arrest for up to 15 days and deportation. Organizations face fines of up to one million rubies and a shutdown of their activities for 90 days.

Ironically, homosexuality was decriminalized in 1993. The law doesn’t directly state that people can be arrested and prosecuted for being homosexual, but the law is vague enough that it could lead to arrests.

While many countries around the world are making leaps and bounds when it comes to the fight for equality, Russia just took a step back into the Dark Ages. Unfortunately, they aren’t the only ones who have done such. Moldova has recently been criticized by activists for ‘secretly’ adopting a very similar policy. Lithuania has also passed an equally harsh law against the LGBT community.

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The hatred transcends – A woman being assaulted by an anti-gay activist

The law has also effectively banned all forms of Pride, including any kind of parades or celebrations. Those that have occurred have been met with police brutality. The pictures are disturbing and a reminder of such events as Stonewall, and even reminiscent of the actions of the Nazi SS. You can see the pictures here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/photos-from-russia-everyone-needs-to-see

The big kick is the fact that Russia is supposed to be home of the 2014 Olympics. Some have called for the US to pull out of the 2014 Olympics in protest. Other countries are considering doing the same. Several high profile sponsors are being petitioned to pull their sponsorship from the Olympics. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has claimed that gay athletes will be safe in the country. However, the same cannot be said for spectators. And, who knows what could possibly happen if a gay athlete happened to mention their sexual orientation during an interview or if they’re seen with their partner.

Some have said that protesting the Olympics won’t do any good. But at the same time, if there’s a potential for harm to images (14)come to our athletes, to any athletes, or spectators, should we go? While pulling from the 2014 Olympics may not (and probably won’t) change Vladimir Putin’s mind, it could save the lives of many. And, if the US pulls out, I guarantee other countries will pull out in support. People claim pulling out of the Olympics would have no effect.

I beg to differ. What is the whole reason for a city to bid for the Olympics? Prestige, yes, but more importantly, the income generated by the influx of tourists, the jobs created to build the arenas, and the apparel and souvenirs sold. It revolves around money. If no one shows, no money is made. It doesn’t matter how many watch it on television, it matters how many people are there.

The law could potentially lead to anyone who is supportive of homosexuals and their rights being arrested, detained, and deported. This goes beyond athletes, to include their families, reporters, and anyone else the government deems as a threat to the ‘normal path of sexuality’.

It’s funny. The Olympic flag is very symbolic. The rings symbolize the five continents, and the fact that they’re interlocked is supposed to represent the ability for athletes to come together in unity, and compete for their respective countries. Unity. That’s a word that apparently has no meaning for Russia, outside of oppression and unity in hatred.

I, for one, will not be supporting any aspect of the 2014 Olympics, save the support to the athletes. I know it’s unlikely, but I would love to see athletes pull from the Olympics if countries won’t.

Take a look at those pictures, and remember that those people were arrested and beaten for nothing more than celebrating who they are.

LGBT Site of the Week – The Advocate

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. To be honest, I forgot my password. But, all is well now, and I can resume regular posting on Uncloseted. Enjoy!

The AdvocateThe Advocate exists as both a printed journal as well as an online publication. The publication started back in September of 1967 after a police raid on the Black Cat Tavern in Los Angeles. It holds the honor of being the oldest and largest LGBT publication in the United States.

The publication was created by PRIDE (Personal Rights in Defense and Education), and with the help of Richard Mitch, Bill Rau, Aristide Laurent and Sam Winston, the newsletter was transformed to a newspaper, under the title The Los Angeles Advocate. PRIDE charged 25 cents a copy, and the newspaper was available in local gay bars.

In 1969, after the paper was purchased by Mitch and Rau from PRIDE, the publication was released nationally. Today, the Advocate is published in hard copy six times a year. Their website stays very current, focusing mostly on national news, but does extend into international news.

The site boasts stories on LGBT health issues, political issues, entertainment, and even features a classifieds section. Printed circulation is approximately 175,000.

You can read their articles for free, and you can also sign up for an online subscription, print subscription, or download their application for your smart phone.

You can check them out here: http://www.advocate.com/

Reasons Same-sex Marriage Should Never Be Legalized

I posted this on another blog, but in light of recent events in our nation, I feel it bears a reposting here.

So I’ve written about same-sex marriage before. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I may be having a change of heart. After listening to the other side talk, I’ve come to some conclusions:

1. The purpose of having a mate is being able to procreate. After all, if heterosexuals didn’t bump nasties, there wouldn’t be any homos. Therefore, we should not only not legalize same-sex marriage, but also immediately cease the following:

  • Sperm Banks – God never wanted this for us. If you take a hard look at the Bible, I’m sure there’s some kind of verse that says, “Thou shalt not jerk off in a sterilized container.” It’s glaringly obvious that this isn’t right. It’s just simply not natural. Besides, insemination doesn’t necessarily require one to knock boots with someone else, so it can’t be considered an acceptable form of procreation. And if you can’t have your own kids, well, you must have done something to piss off the Big Boss Man, so you don’t deserve one via artificial means.
  • Adoption – This one’s obvious. It goes against all religion. Shame on people for taking the easy way out and adopting. You don’t have to do the horizontal polka to adopt. You don’t have nine months of bloating, cravings, etc., to adopt. You don’t even have to add water! Seriously! Don’t be so lazy! If it’s all about procreation, how can someone possibly justify adoption? It’s like hiring a maid or landscaping service. Do it your damn self!
  • Daycare – I know, I know. How is daycare bad? Well, first of all it shows that the parents of the children aren’t really committed. “I totally porked my wife, and now we have this miniature person. He just gets in the way, and he’s not very smart. I know, let’s let someone else raise him!” See? No commitment whatsoever. Secondly, it allows a child to experience diversity. And bad things always happen when diversity occurs. You suddenly have to answer awkward questions like, “Why does that kid look different than me?” or “Where’s Sally’s pee-pee?” And you shouldn’t have to put yourself through that.
  • Single parents – How is this even possible? Everyone knows that kids grow up better when they have a mom and a dad, regardless of how well mom and dad get along.  So it’s obvious that this has to stop. Single mothers should be forced to marry single fathers, thus eliminating this issue.

2. Gay never really meant ‘happy’, but in actuality has always been a code word for ‘sin’.

  • Think about it… “Don we now our gay apparel.” What does that mean? I’m sure it’s not that we should put on our happy clothes, or wrap ourselves in rainbow flags. I think it’s more referring to putting on the skimpy red negligee with the white fur trim. “Don we now our sin apparel.” That sounds better. After all, why else would the sex stores have clothing designed specifically for the Christmas Holiday?

3. If we legalized gay marriage, we’d have to legalize gay divorce, gay custody, gay alimony, and a bunch of other really gay stuff.

  • Homosexuals should be thankful to those that vote against same-sex marriage. I bet most of them vote that way not because of a religious belief, but because they don’t want homos to have to go through all that paperwork. It’s not oppression or discrimination, but considerate forethought.

4. The Bible says it’s wrong. And since the Bible was written by man, it must be true. ‘Nuf said.

5. We shouldn’t give homos special rights.

  • It’s only fair. Why should homos have all the same privileges as heteros? What have they done to earn what heteros have? They haven’t been fighting nearly long enough or hard enough to earn these ‘special rights’ they’re seeking. How dare they think that they deserve equality.  How dare they ask for special rights! Equality in the workplace? They got a job, didn’t they? Protection against discrimination? Suck it up! Life’s a bitch! And why should we give them special rights? Because if we do, we’ll have to recognize polygamy and other unsavory ideas. This brings me to my next point

6. Bestiality. Because of course, that’s the next logical step. First, it’s same-sex. Then, it’s man on horse and pig-spanking and all kinds of crazy stuff. And sexual deviancy is bad.

So, it’s now obvious to me that same-sex marriage is not only wrong, it should never be legalized. I wonder why it was never this clear to me before.